“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today.” - Dale Carnegie

i had a dream
that i dove into the deep dark ocean,
not without hesitation,
but there was a hand
warm, encouraging, serene
it pulled me closer to the cliff's edge
and i leapt

afraid,
courageous

panicked,
tranquil

but mostly euphoric!

i had my arms around your neck
like a child on a dolphin
i couldn't tell, if
i was having fun
or hanging on for dear life
but i woke up
not without a thrill in my veins
and a most lingering wonder
whose hand did i take
so readily, like i wasn't me?

"My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, Just wait." - Judy Tenuta

it's one of those perfect sunny afternoons where curtains flutter in the gentle breeze and a fresh pot of orchid tea sits on the stove top, just waiting for someone to pick it up and take an appreciative sip of its floral soporifics.

i picked up the green dishwashing liquid in a bottle and squeezed, grinning impishly as tiny soap bubbles smelling like fresh apples float magically in the sun filled room. i undressed, and played with those pretty bubbles some more, before slipping into the shower to lather up deliciously white frothy foam on my pale skin.

rinse off, dry down, wriggle into some un-nakedness,
and now i'm just putting off going to work. i'm STALLING!!! :(

"Hurried and worried until we're buried, and there's no curtain call, Life's a very funny proposition after all." - George M. Cohan

i took the long route home tonight from a late night movie in town, felt like i needed a long walk. the air was humid with the recent rain, roads were quiet and the street lamps were dimmer than usual. i passed by the night market that has been around for a month or so, and they packed up tonight for the last time. no more wandering around with candy floss and petting the porcelain german shepherd sitting by the walkway with its tongue hanging out, i guess.

life is strange, infuriating and yet amazing, all at the same time. some people wish for the slow lazy days in the country side, some yearn for the hustle bustle of the city. some people give back to society, helping the poor and the needy, some are the takers, and takers only. one life blooms, another ends. aren't we all just part of a struggling species in this vast universe, struggling to survive, to live, and to love. how much loving have you done today?

sometimes it feels like you could use that one person who brightens your day without fail, and somedays you just need the familiar scent of a loved one. today, i need nothing. i think, i have everything i need. almost.

"What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at an electric fan." - Oliver Herford

that's the sound it makes when you actually thrash it with an egg. it ain't pretty. i didn't really try that, i just, well, imagined it to be. i've been having trouble with my imagination lately. my occipital cortex has declared itself dysfunctional, and sleep deprivation hasn't helped very much. to exacerbate things, i woke up from a pretty fucked up dream about dead babies in milk bottles last night. it's haunting, how some things just never let up. you think it's gone for good but really, you've only just swept it under the carpet, kept it away in a locked chest, stowed beneath the floorboards. what are we to do?

"You live in a deranged age, more deranged that usual, because in spite of great scientific and technological advances, man has not the faintest idea of who he is or what he is doing." - Walker Perc

it's blank. my mind, is blank. i wish it'd rain again tonight, although i really doubt the rain monster is up for anymore action after the past week of stormy weather. rain is my comfort thing. like a warm blue blankie to Linus, like cookies and cream to pre-menstrual syndrome, like cheese to a mouse, like... well you get the idea.

i left a daisy on my dresser and forgot about it. now it's a crumpled mess of yellowed dried petals and it feels like a twig. it used to look like this:



and now... this:


but no matter, cos' i received a new daisy last night! it's watered, alive, and kicking :) not really, the kicking part.


i'm distracted. i feel distracted. i was talking about.. rain! and daisies. i love rain and daisies.

“When in doubt or anger, run in circles, scream and shout.” - Dr. Laurence J. Peter

prescribed by a doctor, should be good?

"A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free." - Nikos Kazantzakis (Greek writer, 1885-1957)

liberation. the word speaks so loud tonight i can't hear myself thinking clear enough to write pretty pretty poems and draw on the art of serendipity that i, much too often, proud myself on. i am ready, fully armed with a brew of passionfruit tea, a suitcaseful of determination and a NEW digital camera to mark one of the best yet journeys to unclutter my life and move on.

that's it. i don't need reasons, explanations, or even logic. all i need is to remove myself from this roadblock, and i'm all set to go. there will be many smiles to be shared, many happier memories to be made, and most importantly, aplenty random moments of pure insanity to savor.

cut that rope, baby! i love being crazy little me.

"The most important things to do in the world are to get something to eat, something to drink and somebody to love you." - Brenda Ueland

at thirty-five,
would i be an artist
painting for the money
a smoke in one hand
and a red beret in my hair?

at thirty-five,
would i be a teacher
yelling music vivace vivace!
at petrified looking tiny humans
behind those black and white keys

at thirty-five,
would i be a wife
to a man, or maybe a woman ;)
always! gentle and affectionate
till death do us not part

at thirty-five,
would i be a mother
again, but this time better
i'll braid her hair with pretty blue ribbons
and we picnic by the ocean bay
all of our Saturdays

at thirty-five,
would i be a lemon
all squeezed dry and always sour
would i be a peach
all pink and soft and sweet

at thirty-five,
would i have a house by the sea
where it's always summer
a family to love, and to talk
of destiny, expectations and other things

i think i'll be a peach, at thirty-five :)

"Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they've had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon.” - Anonymous

halloween is coming.

i've been playing with the thought of carving my own pumpkin monster, but knowing full well how much of a klutz i am, i think i'll save my fingers the risks of highly possible accidental mutilation. perhaps i'll dress up as a grumpy gnome and just make pumpkin soup instead.

"Teaching music is not my main purpose. I want to make good citizens. If children hear fine music from the day of their birth and learn to play it, they develop sensitivity, discipline and endurance. They get a beautiful heart." - Shinichi Suzuki

“Can anyone remember love? It's like trying to summon up the smell of roses in a cellar. You might see a rose, but never the perfume.” - Arthur Miller

"A man is given the choice between loving women and understanding them." - Ninon de Lenclos

on an ankle too loose from an old sprain, i tottered out of bed this morning to the refrigerator for some cold coffee. i opened the cooler door, and with a mixture of amusement and bewilderment, i sat down and stared at a pair of movie ticket stubs lying on the bottom shelf. 

how did it get there? i should come up with a list of weird things i find in my refrigerator. last month it was a red doorstopper. i thought my dog ate it, but in a similar 'just got out of bed' situation as this morn', i found it comfortably snuggled in between the cabbages and eggs a few days later.

sane possibility 1.
i accidentally threw it in with the occasional groceries i get from the store.

borderline possibility 2. 
i have a sleep walking disorder and subconsciously snuck random objects around the house into the fridge.

psycho possibility 3.
my refrigerator is really a monster that comes to life at night when i am zonked and comatose.

"Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue." - Eugene O'Neill

and some people, never mend.

"The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be', there is only what is." - Lenny Bruce

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud que de nos chagrins
il s’en fait des manteaux pourtant quelqu’un m’a dit…

(Someone told me that our lives aren’t worth a thing,
They pass by in an instant like roses wilting.
Someone told me that times slides by like a bastard,
That he makes his blankets from our grief.
At least someone told me…)

“If you keep at it, one day something which at first appeared impossible will become merely something very difficult indeed.” - Danny Paradise

remember that time i took up yoga and couldn't keep still in class he said breathe breathe meditate fall with awareness with acceptance but i had attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and ended up storming out angry at the tantric world well i went back three days later and struck a full lotus position with grace for two hours then he notified me of what a misunderstood prodigy i was.

“Don't sail out farther than you can row back.” - Danish Proverb

remember that time we took a vacation to philadelphia for the summer just to feel the wind in our hair and smell the sea on our skins but you forgot the sunblock lotion and got burnt red as a monkey's ass but i had mine and didn't share it with you because we always had struggles with control and power.

"A girl's legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part." - Redd Foxx

- for a seagull.

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser." - John W. Gardner

remember that time we spilled laundry softener that smelled like roses and hibiscuses onto the floor when we were fighting about whose laundry to do first yours or mine and we rolled onto the ground kissing madly in a passionate laundry fight frenzy in the end no we didn't do any laundry that day because we were distracted and smelling of roses and hibiscuses.

"Insanity - a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world." - R. D. Laing

I AM DERANGED!!! and so are you. :)

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” - Drew Carey

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” - Bill Cosby

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." - Bernice Johnson Reagon

life: it can either be accepted, or changed.
if it cannot be accepted, it has to change.
if it cannot be changed, then you have to accept it.

nothing which comes, stays.

nothing which goes, is lost.

when the music changes, so does the dance.

you feel like strolling, but life is on a run.

the constants, the variables, the inevitables.

and the truths - are they in your favor today?

the doors we open and close each day decides the lives we live. we are all threads, woven into the lives of the random strangers we meet in the streets, the friends we text occasionally, the ones we never fail to invite over for christmas because they're such joy, and the family who will stick with you till the end for better or for worse.

sometimes, doors close and we don't notice until we begin to miss it. and i missed you, friend. my best friend in the whole world. i am sorry i wasn't there for you. i really am. but i want to, i want to be there when you need me. i want to be there even when you don't. because i love you. and i know, you love me too.

"I'm lazy. But it's the lazy people who invented the wheel and the bicycle because they didn't like walking or carrying things." - Lech Walesa

me too!

"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work." - Emile Zola

i escaped. escaped from a raging turmoil of emotions, a violent cascade of consequences at my inept to check the past at the door. that's about the only thing i've ever been good at. running. denying. avoiding. rejecting. pulling curtain after curtains of barriers, impetuously detaching myself from any semblance of closeness with any other living thing.

i escaped from the wake.

life, how caustic. i spent the beginnings of it in a daze, the present in a mess, and the future in derision. there was one time when i was 9, after a horrible day watching my family fall apart, i spent a whole night hid in my closet in bitter tears, thinking how my life couldn't get any worse than it already was, but eventually i fell asleep in there until the next evening. (i must have been exhausted!) then life goes on to prove that it can get worse, but it's an experience you have to have in order to realize that there will be better days. life brings endless possibilities, as long as you're alive, that is.

so here i am, an unfinished paint of blotches and splatters. it's time i pep up. i'll be an art. i don't know where to begin yet, but just add a dash of vim and vigor? and perhaps someday i might be able to put some spark into somebody else's life, too.

“Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.” - Rabindranath Tagore

night shifts the past couple of, well, nights, has left me feeling less than my usual self - a strange mix of post-adrenaline blues, post-cpr exhaustion, and post-apparition sighting disorientation has resulted in last night's dinner in a toilet bowl, wrong way out.

first night, approaching dawn, a seemingly recovering patient suddenly collapsed, giving rise to overwhelmingly aggressive resuscitation that took the whole morning out of me. we managed to regain a pulse after two hours of intense cpr, then sent the patient down to the ICU with immense relief.

on the second night, i saw a ghost. it walked past me briskly into the first room where my six patients were sleeping soundly. curious, i crept up stealthily and peeped from behind the door, expecting to be vindicated by a second sighting of those white shirt and pants, but it wasn't there. how disappointing. was it my tired eyes, a figment of my imagination? 

“Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days.” - Doug Larson

they come in all quiet, without a single floor board creak. blow in with the wind, filmy fluttering white curtains and an open window. a faint tinge of sea wafts and swirls with the delicious smells of red apple tarte tatin baking fresh in the oven. if you listen closely you'd hear the waves washing up the shore, pulling back out, and coming back in again. perhaps you might even hear an occasional dolphin or two, playing in the ocean, splashes and squeals.

open the door and wait, sit by the stone steps and rest your head gently against the easterly wind. watch the afternoon sun turn into an evening one, half an orange yolk of egg dropping beneath the watery horizon patiently, eagerly, and reach out your hands, form opposite Ls with your thumbs and fingers, squint a little, take an imaginary picture.

it will rain tonight, you say, looking into my eyes. i looked away and up at the skies that are turning red and cloudy, like a sand storm waiting to happen in the starry heavens, then i took a cup of rose tea with my lips, sipping, sipping a shy wistful sigh.

"The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think." - Horace Walpole

what a paradox it would be, if you're both.

“One must ask children and birds how cherries and strawberries taste.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

come strawberry picking with me,
the sun will glow, and rubies will roll
gems, seed studded and juicy
we could have cream and whips
i meant whipped, cream, really
sugary sweet like honey
like you and,
like me

“We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.” - Lucretius

i am a boat longing for the sea, and yet afraid.
i am a picture book, and life is my art.
i am a mistake, and you are my lesson.

i could stay safe in the harbor, but that's not what a boat is for.
i could write a thousand stories, but a pictures speaks a thousand words. (maybe even more)
i could be a lesson, to someone else's mistake.

accept the conditions as they exist,
accept the responsibility to change them.
let it happen,
make it happen,
uh, what happened?

nothing is a miracle.
everything is a miracle!

i must be in an amorphous state of mind.

“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.” - Calvin & Hobbes

those enamel decaying, sugar-laden, calorie-filled soft drinks, like Coca-cola and Pepsi? they are evil... by now you probably know that i am more of a tea & coffee person, and it's only once in a blue moon i'd let those carbonated demons in.

i couldn't help it. it's just so tempting. see, i still haven't learnt to burp. and i ran out of tea. yeah, no, that doesn't suffice to justify, not even to myself. i'm terrible at this. :(

well. so i drank one. it was a can of Pepsi. one sizzling gurgle, an 'ahh...' of satisfaction released. then things got a little out of hand. i believe there were mentos involved. and salt. lots and lots of salt. it didn't seem that much at the time when i poured a little salt into the drink every few seconds just to see it fizzle, sizzle and sputter. it's amazing, this chemistry reaction between sodium and soda. i must have gotten carried away with my kooky little discoveries that i forgot all about the salt and took a gulp of the end-product.

i could have SWORN i felt my kidneys shrivel up and die.
i think they're dead.
no, really.
dead.

“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.” - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

where have they gone?

"When I look down I miss all the good stuff, but when I look up, I just trip over things." - Ani Difranco

hence, i will gaze straight ahead... right into your eyes. are you looking back at me too?

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?” - Charles M. Schulz

i shut my eyes in order to see, see the world beyond this world. i plug my ears in order to listen, listen to what's been left unspoken. flow, flow and not freeze. resurrect your imaginations and make feast. dust off! it's the highest kite one can fly.

what an incredible life.

"I keep waiting to meet a man who has more balls than I do." - Salma Hayek

ROAWR!!! i'm a munstar!



just kidding :)

"If you cannot be a poet, be the poem." - David Carradine

will you linger till dawn, dear?

"In every grain of sand there is a story of the earth." - Rachel Carson

"Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets." - Dr. Paul Tournier

throw them to the winds
let them ride on invisible wings
weave through the boughs in the woods
sub rosa, sub rosa

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I know where you sleep.

recent posts

• watch for the thorns
• can i linger?
• are we there yet?
• splakkunttt-t-t-t
• a void moment
• at the top of my lungs
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• of destiny, expectations and other things
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