"Sigmund Freud once said, "What do women want?" The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that." - Bill Cosby

"One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one." - Ann Landers

oh no :(

"There's no reality except the one contained within us. That's why so many people live an unreal life. They take images outside them for reality and never allow the world within them to assert itself." - Hermann Hesse

"This is the way that we love, like it's forever. Then live this rest of our lives, but not together." - Mika, Happy Ending

at some point of our lives, in and out of tragic relationships, we would have asked ourselves this question at least once: why is your attachment to this person so unconditional when that person never ceases to disappoint you? that has been on my mind for the past week, haunting me like a homeless shadow, and it's a question i have not found an answer to. but i am so tired from trying to understand, trying to figure things out, trying to get a measly semblance of a closure just so i could give my broken heart some glue. now, what's the point?

i feel sometimes, that nobody's held me down and forced me to cry or made me hug them, or got to the inside of my wall. it's like i say, 'Oh I'm fine', and i walk away. nobody's ever said, 'No you're not.' i need to take an emotional breath, step back and remind myself who is actually in charge of my life. and my eyes will keep on smiling, so i don't have to explain myself to the people who'd never understand that you, you make it hard to breathe.

why do you do this to me so easily?

"No one can enjoy freedom without trembling." - Emile M. Cioran

yeah, this feels like wind beneath my friking wings. :)

"Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did." - Newt Gingrich

i just spent the last 7 minutes attempting to type some random thoughts and feelings that drumrolled in after a bottle of tequila and a plate of burnt peas, but after a huge sneeze i kinda forgot about my awesome literary entrance. my peas caught fire in a pan with an accidental liquor spill. why peas and only peas?!?!?!? i panicked and forget to put in the bacon before i put the fire out with a wet dishcloth. y'know, burnt stuff taste good. even if they're peas. :( :) :(

“Dost thou think because thou art virtuous there shall be no more cakes and ale?” - William Shakespeare

"Omelettes are not made without breaking eggs." - Maximilien Francois Robespierre

i will be an omelette. being broken is just part of the process, is it not?

"Appreciation of life itself, becoming suddenly aware of the miracle of being alive, on this planet, can turn what we call ordinary life into a miracle." - Dan Wakefield

"If our life is unhappy it is painful to bear; if it is happy it is horrible to lose, so the one is pretty equal to the other." - Jean de la Bruyere

a fool once said, you don't have to hold on to the pain, to hold on to the memories. obviously i scoffed, being the angsty twelve year old i had been. you'll see when you're twenty, was the typical reassurance that i got.

i didn't see it then.

well, now that i am twenty, i still don't see a thing. maybe i haven't learned.
or maybe i'm just plain stubborn.

the trick of love is to never let it find you, then maybe it won't hurt as much if you're just missing out. well i'm no good at playing hide-and-seek. people laugh, live, and love all the time. they will also hurt, hate, and go to heaven eventually. this is a cycle that keeps mother earth spinning her greenish-blue sphere in this vast mystical universe. lately the news keep telling me she's turning bluish-green instead, seeing how there are more Atlantises to come, and that human beings will soon be wiped out by mutating viruses and a bad mix of genes. boy the world is so screwed, i am almost optimistic about myself.

*insert whimsical chuckle here*

goodnight, fool. goodnight, mother earth. i'll see you in the morning when i wake, fingers crossed.
happy nurses' day.

"There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex." - Billy Joel

"With a rubber duck, one's never alone." - Anonymous

"You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories." - Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

i woke up this morning, and it was just like any other morning. i hear the faint twitter of lonely birds from the apartment upstairs, sniff the faint floral scent emanating from my freshly slept-in sheets, and twinkling pianos from the music player left on overnight brought a smile on my face as my favorite song came on. strangely this familiar morning felt just a tad emptier than usual. as i reached my hand out to ruffle the other side of the bed to find nothing but a teddy and some pillows, i realized what was missing - a warmth that was not my own, a smell that isn't the lingering of my shampoo, and a voice that doesn't sound half as girly as mine. and i begin to wonder, is this what missing a person is like? am i going to get used to this? can i, really? i thought that perhaps people were right about the whole 'time heals things' thing, it's an antidote, a salve, a soothing balm for all things hurt and broken. but the memories, oh the memories. if i had a chance to choose again, would i have made the same choices? i don't know, not really, no. my perception is biased, and i can only see the big picture. i always say, things are better seen when left out of focus. the world almost looks prettier, kinder, wiser. but we know better don't we? we know things, and sometimes, knowing can hurt, alot, and we wish we never knew what we know today.

time is taking its time on me, on my pain. no matter how much i wound up the clockwork, its hands won't speed up. so maybe i'll just focus on leaving things out of focus, for a while. maybe that will ease things up a little. *self-hug*

"Love is an attempt at penetrating another being, but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual." - Octavio Pazt

i am wood. maybe maple, maybe oak. or even cherry, with a tinge of healthy reddish glow. but that's beneath the surface. what you'll see is a layer of thick bark, like a stubborn wall, and when you cut me open you'll see rings piled upon rings, one for every pain i've lived.

sometimes i wish i am water, where we don't have to fight tooth and nail to have me engulfed in complete submission of you. or love. but isn't that the same thing really? mutual surrender is pretty hard to come by i suppose, but it's not impossible. whether it's a joyous clink of wineglasses over a romantic dinner, or a kiss shared between two aching lips, or just a random squillo - baby steps will grow. perhaps someday, i will succumb, and you will conquer. now wouldn't that be nice?

“Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.” - Henry Miller

"Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all." - Harriet van Horne

with abandon, reckless abandon.

“One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are, when you don't come home at night.” - Margaret Mead

so. i haven't been here in a month. wow. i could give you some excuse like i've been busy working at the hospital because y'know, nurses are in such high demand but there's always a shortage. or really, i could just be honest with you and admit that although work has been taking up majority of my time, i could have made time to come by the library to write(or type) some. but i was running away. running away from feeling my feelings out in the open and for all to see, laid out bare and naked, and vulnerable. which i hate. but i'm here today. i took my dead macbook to the PC clinic to visit the macdoctor(HAHAHA) ealier, and had nothing to do after that. shortly after some aimless wandering i found my feet shuffling hesitantly outside the tall sliding glass doors of the library. a huge man(about 7 feet tall, and 3 feet wide) in a rush pushed me in, so that saved me some decision-making. phew.

hmmm. sitting in front of the library's oldish-looking computer makes me feel nostalgic. but i suppose i won't be coming back here all that often anymore. the macdoctor(HAHAHA) told me i could pick my dead macbook up tomorrow evening and reassured me that it would be alive as long as i agreed to a monetary extortion. i can't believe i procrastinated 6 months to be told that the problem with my macbook is so minor it can be fixed in less than a day. lol.

anyhoo, how have you been?

alright now, alright now. i know you missed me. i missed you too :)

i've gotta run now, it's storming outside and what better is there to do than snuggle up in bed to a good man and a good book? except... i don't have a good man waiting for me in bed, so i shall read A Midsummer Night's Dream tonight in commemoration of Shakespeare's works. it's his birthday today, and i dedicate this to you, enjoy.


"The studded bridle on a ragged bough
Nimbly she fastens: -- O, how quick is love! --
The steed is stalled up, and even now
To tie the rider she begins to prove:
Backward she push'd him, as she would be thrust,
And govern'd him in strength, though not in lust.


So soon was she along as he was down,
Each leaning on their elbows and their hips:
Now doth she stroke his cheek, now doth he frown,
And 'gins to chide, but soon she stops his lips;
And kissing speaks, with lustful language broken,
If thou wilt chide, thy lips shall never open."

Venus and Adonis,
William Shakespeare
(26 April 1564 – 23 April 1616)

“I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.” - Victor Borge

“I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then.” - Lewis Carroll

ahh. it's been a week since i came home, to where bedsheets smells like spiced apple and a lovely pot of passion fruit tea is constantly brewing on the spartan kitchen top. i thought it would be easy, afterall this is what's familiar, what's old and used. used things are always comfortable things.

yet, i miss having not a care in the world, drinking espressos like i don't need sleep, watching ducks and ducklings waddle awkwardly like they were in a rush for time, unlike me. i miss cursing the clouds late at night where star-gazing proved to be fruitless but no matter, we had time so we just sat there and cloud-gazed instead. i miss cooking for friends who came over for pot luck or just to crash before an evening class even though i forgot about the oven and almost burned the house down. i miss people, sights and smells, voices and music, even grocery shopping. but that was yesterday, and what i am living in, is today. so i'm gonna busy in my busy busy life, in this busy busy town, and occasionally, adoringly, think about yesterday.

“If you like ice cream, why stop at one scoop? Have two, have three. Too much is never enough” - Morris Lapidus

"If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life, it stays with you, for Paris is a movable feast." - Ernest Hemingway

"What other people may find in poetry, I find in the flight of a good drive." - Arnold Palmer

taking a long stroll down the river quay on a gray dawn, i huddle beneath my thin red overalls, rubbing my hands to generate some warmth. i hear tyres on gravel. peering from behind my glasses, i squint at the occasional car driving across the distant bridge. for a moment, my shoulders felt so weary i took a step back unawares and leaned against a bench wet from a short rain the night before. stop driving into the future using only the rear view mirror, darling.

“On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at..."- Mitch Hedberg

"Tea's proper use is to amuse the idle, and relax the studious, and dilute the full meals of those who cannot use exercise, and will not use abstinence." - Samuel Johnson

my flight back to Singapore is tonight. it's funny how time have got us wrapped around its finger, hapless and wishful. my stay here in Perth has been fruitful; a vacation to vacate my mind of worries, a journey to explore corners of my mind i never dared to, an experience of roller-coaster emotional rides, and a trodden path of lamentable endings, to new beginnings. so later i will board the night plane with a smile, and look forward to life with an outstretched hand, an open mind, and a new set of eyes. wouldn't it be nice? :)

"Lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if only one had a colored pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling." - G. K. Chesterton

"In a mad world, only the mad are sane." - Akira Kurosawa (First Japanese film director to win international acclaim, 1910-1998)

"If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom?" - Kahlil Gibran

hey you. i'm typing from Perth in the comfort of weihao's cosy apartment. it's my 5th day here, and 14 more to go before i pack my bags and hitch a plane back to Singapore. reluctantly, i might add. the pace in this little city is laidback and worry-free, very much unlike the stressful environments back on the island i come from. i quite like it here, except traveling can be quite a chore if you don't drive, and the megabalastic hole in the ozone layer fries my brain every time i step into the sun's evil UV rays. i have begun entries in my traveling journal, but got admittedly lazy to type everything here. (also, i really don't wanna risk killing weihao's already smokin' laptop. *wince*) i'll let the pictures do most of the talking! :D



English breakfast tea & passion fruit tart, King's St. Cafe
on my very first night in Perth, i got ushered to a dinner/coffee after gathering @ Northbridge, King's Street Cafe. it is somewhere along the 'branded street', where Tiffany & Co., Louis Vuitton and plenty other high end stores resides. i felt like a little girl running along those classy wiped-down windows, peeking in at all the pretties and expensives. King's St. Cafe, i hear, is well known for its yummy cakes made without a trace of flour(i find that very disturbing... no flour? how?!) and iced coffees. there were 10 of us, so in greediness and in glee, we each ordered a slice of cake hoping to exhaust the variety, nipping a taste of every available flavor that night. expectedly, we couldn't finish everything, especially after a filling dinner at TAKA, a Japanese quick dining eatery just a street away. thumbs up for the cakes with no flour, and the tea brewing experience! the banana cheesecake received most compliments that night, and second in line is my yummy PF tart!


giant spider and its fabulously sticky web
we found this right outside the cafe entrance. we thought that was a decoration in relation to the wasteland sign, but it's not. the idea of a big scary spider hanging above my head like that(and perhaps unwittingly falling, webs and all) makes me shudder. brr.

i shall be back soon with more pictures and talkin', but i think i will close shop for the day. i haven't been getting enough sleep lately, what with the waking up startled no thanks to noisy birds at the window at 4am, bugging nightmares and loud fervent gaming from the weird house-mate next door. oh and uh, last night i dozed off on the carpet in the telly area, and found myself magically transported into the bed upstairs the next morning. wow. how did i do that?

"Surfing is such an amazing concept. You're taking on Nature with a little stick and saying, 'I'm gonna ride you!' And a lot of times Nature says, 'No you're not!' and crashes you to the bottom." - Jolene Blalock

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.” - Marcel Proust

yes, i am blogging from the national library. again. it really does feel as tho' this happy place of mine has quickly transformed into a second home over a span of two weeks, where i've been reporting in daily to sit in front of the computer all day. except that today, i'm so soused you can wring me to dry.

a crossing away from the library, i shiver beneath my thin clothes as the crazy rain blew in all directions. a caucasian guy standing next to me looked pretty lost, staring blankly out onto the cross junction and at the rain. so out of blasted curiosity, i asked him if he was okay. it kinda went like this:

Me: "Hey, are you alright?"

Him: "Yeah... I'm just trying to get to Suntec City." (pointing helplessly at a rain-soaked map)

Me: "You've got heaps of walking to do. It's probably about 5 streets away. And the rain..."

Him: "Yeah... I'm gonna be drenched." (he pulls a half-smile, resignated look)

a big bus rode by and sprayed puddles onto unsuspecting pedestrians standing too close to the pavement's edge, which unfortunately, included us. i looked at my wet knees and his damp bermudas, and he let out a dismayed laugh.

Him: "I was right about the drenched part, see."

Me: "...You know what, let's just share this umbrella and get you across the street. You'll get shelter from there for at least half the walk to Suntec. Minimize the damage some."

Him: "Where are you going? Are you sure?"

Me: "I guess. Let's go, it's a green man."

so we trottered awkwardly across the road, which is a weird sight because he's so tall and i'm so small(or short), the umbrella didn't really fit the both of us. so being the tiny one and farthest away from the umbrella over our heads, the mad rain claimed me as its victim instead. when we got to shelter, i gave him directions and sent him on his way. the weird gaijin flashed me a victory/peace sign and huge grin as he walked away. wth? note to self: i really should remember to audition heights the next time i decide to offer an umbrella. darn :/

“What's the difference between tough love and acting like a jerk?” - Ricki Lake

nothing.

“Using a camera appeases the anxiety which the work-driven feel about not working when they are on vacation and supposed to be having fun. They have something to do that is like a friendly imitation of work: they can take pictures.” - Susan Sontag

so like amuirin suggested, i'm definitely bringing along a camera with me on this trip. i went to the MUJI store and bought an instant camera, with a roll of 27 film in it. yup, it came in a tightly sealed silver film package, much like instant noodle packets except classier. seriously, japanese merchandise can be very instant-ified, and quirky. i doubt i can refill the film in this instant camera but i have my 8 megapixel cameraphone to make up for it (with an 8GB microSD card to take heaps of pictures with!) :D

i love photography. only thing is, when i take photos on my travels, i don't appear in them. not a face, a shoe, or a strand of hair. just shots after shots of pretty places and random strangers, or bizzare unanimated objects. at the end of the trip when i return home and wash out my prints, i get a little twinge of annoyance how there isn't a single fragment of me in 'em. i guess when i get too absorbed in taking in a new place, the new sights and smells, and trying to capture that 'moment' on film, i forget about how maybe i should put myself in that 'moment'. but that'd kinda ruins the magic, doesn't it? lol.

oh and um, i brought my trip forward earlier than expected. MUCH earlier. i'll be leaving on the 4th of March at 1550hrs, and will be back in sg on the 23rd at some goddamn unearthly hour. why? because the jackass airline jacked up the price by 300 bucks on my originally intended date of flight! what a rip-off. great. now i'm gonna hafta rush and pack according to the everchanging weather, plus all that guilt to the guy i'll be imposing on throughout my stay in Perth. 14 days trip extended to 19. (and my itineray is still blank!) i'll bribe you with yummy cakes from singapore, okay weihao? :P

“We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.” - Calvin & Hobbes

"Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon.” - Winnie the Pooh

Who knows if the moon's
a balloon, coming out of a keen city
in the sky -
filled with pretty people?”
- E. E. Cummings

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.” - Frank Sinatra

"The world is a beautiful book, but of little use to him who cannot read it." - Carlo Goldoni (Italian dramatist, 1707-1812)

i was in a grungy mood today. woke at 5 in the afternoon, absorbed a barely satiable book, and rolled about in bed some more before a low rumbling growl reminded me how empty my tummy is. so i got up and out of the messy apartment and took a bus down to the national library. which is where i'm paying at exorbitant rates for snail-slow internet by the minute to catch up on emails and blog posts. but the library is my happy place. literally drowning in neverending shelves of book makes me feel safe from the crazy world outside. and happy. and temporarily full. :D

so, did i mention? i'm heading off to Perth, Western Australia on Friday the 13th, Mid-March. it's a long awaited vacation, and i don't have a single plan on my 3 week itineray as yet. in fact, i doubt i will have one. when i'm there, i'll stand in front of the map that's tacked to the wall and play "pin-the-tail on the donkey" with closed eyes every morning. wherever my wandering finger lands, that is the place i will visit that day. all that random mystery and quirkyness, ooh bubbles of excitement is stewing between my toes!

oh darn, the library is closing in 10 minutes. i have to go get some real food in me too. i'll be back tomorrow! *poof*

“The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

the rain came crashing through the open window in huge pelts this early morn', determined to get my lazy ass out of bed. i opened one eye to survey the extent of damp damage, then simply rolled over and continued to sleep. or at least, i tried to. but noooooooo, the rain just had to turn into a storm and crazy winds blew the papers off my desk. now that just irritated me. i felt like a cat caught in the rain - cold, vulnerable and angsty. so i got up, made a rude gesture at the rain monster peeking through the clouds, then rolled across the floor to pick up those scattered white sheets.

then i fell asleep right there, all rolled up into a ball, and woke an hour later with those papers still clutched in my hands. they are all crumpled now. weirdly, i feel as crumpled as they are. kinda squished, feeling all tight and hard to breathe. so i ran out of the house and headed straight for the pool. there you can be free. water is fluid. it falls through your fingers like shimmering sunlight, trickles down the nape of your neck, and makes you shiver in the breeze. it could spatter, spray, sprinkle or spurt. you can do anything you want with it, you could sink, or swim, or perhaps just wade a little. and i swam. hard.

at the end of the day, i felt less like a sodden cat. in the water i felt right at home, like a pale tentacled jellyfish i glide and i drift, wildly, freely. but if you come near me i might just turn into a cat again and warmly, fuzzily, bite off your hand. *purr*

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