Thursday, April 24, 2008

random rants

I am Ronald, of Mordor, the Mage, the Destroyer.

Taste the scorched fruit inside my pies.

Chew the bitter towelette of truth.

Die, you seedy little elves who refuse to accept any new menu items added after 1975.

I scorch your loins with coffee that sears like a molten steel patty flipper.

I smash your bones on rocks of ice churned by spews of cola.

I till your soil, steal your potatoes, circumcise theirs skins, cook them in tallow and tell you they're vegan.

I shall castrate your bulls, rendering them more juicy and docile, and I shall salt them with hormones, making them girly-cows.

You shall wander the wastelands in search of fishwiches fallen from the sky, frozen and plump with weevils and sauce of fiercest tartar.

My face is stripped of pancake makeup, staring at the sun, burning, awaiting balloons and a helium canister that will never arrive.

Your ears shall hear only the sound of a french-fry computer that beeps eternally.

You shall remain forever parched with a bottomless Styrofoam drinking cup.

You, my imprisoned sprite servants, I shall deprive of both minimum wage and nutrients. My cooker writhes with yellow fry-babies your lips shall never taste.

I shall pierce your being with shakes made of ground bones, nay, chalk.

You shall beg for death, but instead shall receive only laughter and choking hazards disguised as plastic toys.

In my costume of yellow bib and coarse enormous red feet, I will smite you with burgers laced with thorns.

Inside your nuggets you will find razor blades, rats and tumors.

THE ONLY REAL CLOWN IS A DEAD CLOWN.

I ONLY MAKE YOU FAT SO THAT YOU'LL SIZZLE WHEN YOU BURN.

Labels: douglas coupland, jpod